


Mary Sue, I Love You!

by Kerichi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: California blonde Mary Sue, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 01:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9212873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerichi/pseuds/Kerichi
Summary: In the far, far, away land of California, Mary Sue accepts an invitation to Hogwarts and searches for her one true love. Is her soul mate Draco? Harry? Snape? Colin? Fred and George or...gasp...Voldemort?





	

 

 

 

In the far, far away land of California, where the weather was ideal and the sky was always blue, one special sixteen-year-old girl lay on a lounger by a crystalline pool. Graciously accepting a cool drink from Paulo the pool boy, Miranda Aramintha Rowena Ysabella Slyvia Ursula Evangelista—Mary Sue, for short—smiled sweetly as the gorgeous Italian began to rub oil over her perfect body. She sighed happily, reflecting on her fairytale life.

Her parents were the most wonderful, fabulous people in the world. Mummy was a supermodel turned Oscar-winning actress. Daddy was a marvelously talented director whose blockbuster summer movies always won awards for special effects and sound. They were often away making films, but the understanding girl never felt neglected. Her parents called every night, and the couple who lived in as housekeeper and gardener was so nice and caring, that they were just like family.

"Miss Mary Sue! Miss Mary Sue! There is a…person…who demands to see you. He was so big and scary, I just slammed the door and came running to find you. Should I call the police?"

Consuela's softly accented voice was as sugary as her scrumptious sopapillas. Mary Sue smiled as she shook her head. "Not yet." She turned to Paulo, whose fingers had just reached the tops of her thighs, and said, " _Grazie_." She rose gracefully and slipped on a gold mesh cover-up on over her micro bikini, for modesty's sake. Halfway across the terrazzo, she remembered something important and called back, "Don't forget to strain those last couple of leaves out of the pool!"

Mary Sue traipsed into the palatial abode in her apprehensive housekeeper's wake, smiling reassuringly as she opened the front door. She was sure no one bad could possibly want to see  _her_. Perhaps the man was merely a salesperson. She always purchased things, because it made her sad to think that after all the effort to bypass security and scale the walls surrounding the estate, the plucky entrepreneurs would go to jail for trespassing without even making a sale. Eyes that changed from blue to green to aquamarine depending on mood and the color she wore gazed up—way up—at the most unique person she had ever seen.

"Do you be Miss Miranda Ara—ah, my tongue won' twist enough ter say yer name. I'm Hagrid, and I've come ter find out why yeh never answered yer letter."

The girl smiled luminously. Although some persons might say Hagrid was a giant who looked ready to grind bones to make his bread, Mary Sue saw him in a different light. To her, he was an extremely tall, badly dressed and groomed individual, whose intrinsic gentle goodness made her orthodontia impeccable, incredibly white teeth gleam in a welcoming smile.

She invited him to call her Mary Sue and waved him inside. Trustingly, she placed her small, delicate hand into his enormous one and led Hagrid into the grandly spacious kitchen. While the gigantic man watched in silence, she reached into the refrigerator to hand her guest a three-liter bottle of water. She smiled in satisfaction as he nodded his thanks and drank it in two swallows. Everyone said that hospitality was one of her many gifts.

Mary Sue perched on a stool beside her unusual visitor and asked brightly, "What letter?"

Hagrid reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. "One jus' like this here copy, Miss. Yeh can read fer yerself. It's a letter o' acceptance from Hogwarts School o' Witchcraft and Wizardry."

How quaintly he spoke. She shook her head in amazement, causing long tresses that encompassed every shade of blonde from platinum to golden to fan out.

Hagrid exclaimed, "I never saw such beauteous hair in all my life!"

Blushing, as she did  _every_  time someone complimented the blessing nature had bestowed upon her, Mary Sue said with touching sincerity, "Oh  _Thank You_!" She looked down at the impressive seal on the missive. "I don't need to read this. My parents have always told me to trust my heart, and in my heart, I know that you are a kind, honest man. If you say I'm supposed to go with you to this school, then that's what I'm going to do." She raised her voice to a melodic trill and called, "Consuela!"

"Yes, Miss?" The housekeeper stepped out of the pantry, cell phone in hand. How protective she was, always ready to call 911 at a moment's notice. For an instant, tears sparkled in the girl's large, liquid-looking eyes. She missed her substitute parent already, and she hadn't even left yet.

"Will you please pack my things? Just the casual through semi-formal wear. No, add a couple of evening gowns. It's better to pack too much than not enough. I'm going away to school."

Consuela's wailing grief over the upcoming parting caused tears to trickle down golden cheeks in heart-wrenchingly lovely sadness. The housekeeper hugged the girl tight, whispering that she'd write, in Spanish, which Mary Sue could then get someone to translate. The disconsolate woman wiped her eyes on her apron and bustled away to find maids to do the packing.

Bravely blinking back tears, the slender, yet curvaceous girl smiled tremulously at the huge man and sniffed elegantly. "We'd better tell Mummy and Daddy. Come with me."

She could hear giant feet scuffing the newly polished floors, but did not care. Her beloved parents would be so sad to hear the news that their only, cherished child would be leaving to attend school  _somewhere_.

" _Why? Oh why have the gods taken the only thing that made living worthwhile away from me?"_

Mary Sue stared at her mother via satellite link. She was about to reassure her parent that she wasn't being taken away, she was leaving voluntarily, when the beautiful actress—who looked youthful enough to be her daughter's elder sister—stopped crying.

"Forgive me, sweetie. Had to practice my big line one last time. Your father is on his way to our trailer right now. He had to do another take on an explosion scene. Did you say you were going away to school? Sounds marvelous. We won't have to worry about you when we go on location for our next film. Where did you say this uniquely named school was, dearest?"

Mary Sue realized she had no clue.

Hagrid stepped forward. "Scotland."

"Scotland? Who's going there?" Her father appeared on screen. He was smiling through his closely clipped beard. As usual, his ball cap was pulled down to shade green eyes that surveyed them from behind rimless glasses.

"I am, Daddy."

"Great, sweetheart. Don't forget to call every day."

"Beg pardon," Hagrid said apologetically, "She'll have ter owl—er—write yeh instead. No Muggle teckie-knowledgy works at the school."

Her father frowned. "Then how does anything work? Magic?"

"Yes, sir. Young Mary Sue here, she'll be learning from the finest ter be a right proper witch."

Her mother's face flushed becomingly. "Watch your language, mister. I don't care what mean girls at her school say. My angel is not a bitch!"

"No, ma'am! Beg pardon fer me enunciation. I said  _witch_."

" _OH!_  Well, that's all right, then. We've always told our darling point of light that whatever she wanted to be when she grew up would be supported by us one hundred percent. If she wants to wear black and learn spells, then…you have our blessing, princess! Write every day, must go, time is money on the set, precious! Muah! Kisses and hugs! Buh-Bye!"

Mary Sue waved to the images of her doting parents and felt the warm glow of their love fill her heart. An hour later, while she hugged Consuelo, Alphonso, Paulo, and all the other employees that had become like family over the years, that glow became a radiance that made her trust that everything would be all right.

Smiling, she watched Hagrid use an umbrella to shrink her dozen pieces of luggage to put them into his pocket and didn't even blink an eye. Mary Sue loved magic, and had a magician at her birthday party every year. Hagrid then pulled out a strange item called a Port-key, and transported them out of her idyllic existence, and into a strange new world.

 

Instantly thrust from one place to the other, Mary Sue stood by Hagrid's side and gazed up at her new home. It didn't look like Cinderella's castle at Disneyland, for sure. It was even bigger and…real…. She frowned. Hogwarts also looked dark, old and gloomy. Shivering and wishing she'd changed out of her bikini and cover up before leaving her old world behind, the girl's high heels clicked as she followed her large new friend up the front steps and into the castle.

Inside what looked to be an entrance hall, complete with suits of armor, Hagrid said, "The rest o' yer schoolmates arrived earlier, on the Hogwarts Express—the train—and already settled in. Everyone is inside the Great Hall, jus' through there. Headmaster Dumbledore will be expectin' yeh."

"Are you sure I'm dressed appropriately? We're not in California anymore."

Black beetle eyes surveyed the golden skin displayed by the mesh material. Her incredibly fit and toned body, still shimmering with oil, must have been deemed suitable, because Hagrid couldn't take his eyes off her for several minutes. Tugging the collar of his coat, the bearded man said gruffly, "Yer—yer  _fine._ The boys—everybody'll luv yeh. He cleared his throat. "Here's yer luggage. I'll be off ter the lake fer a swim."

Glad that all twelve tiny squares of magically reduced luggage fit into her darling Kate Spade handbag, Mary Sue waved goodbye. With a smile, she made her tip-tapping way to the entrance of the Great Hall. The girl who never feared meeting strangers, because to her strangers were just friends she hadn't met yet, opened the door and stepped inside.

It was so  _magical_. The ceiling looked like the night sky. Hundreds of candles floated in air. The candlelight was incredibly flattering to her golden complexion. Four long tables, filled with students talking and eating, took up the majority of the chamber. At the far end, a table full of teachers faced the students. A nice-looking old man with a long white beard and the cutest pointed hat looked directly at her and smiled. She felt instantly at home. When he gestured for her to come to him, she obeyed.

The moment her six inch Manolo Blahnik slides clicked against the stone floor, all heads turned in her direction. Meeting the stunned stares of her fellow students, Mary Sue gave them her Jr. Miss California smile. It worked on her classmates just as well as it had on the judges. They smiled back at her.

Actually, the boys smiled and the girls gave her ferocious frowns. Mary Sue, who was noticing that all the students wore concealing black robes instead of revealing swimwear, knew she would make lifelong friends with the girls soon. Just because she'd never made friends with another girl  _before_ , didn't mean she couldn't  _now_. This was the first day of the rest of her life. Mary Sue meant to make it count.

Drawing near to the head table, the California girl looked expectantly at the Headmaster. He had the most stylish robes. She wished she could have one with all those shiny symbols.

His eyes twinkled as he declared, "It is my pleasure to introduce Hogwarts' first transfer student, Miss Miranda Aramintha Rowena Ysabella Sylvia Ursula Evangelista."

When she held up a hand, he nodded for her to speak. Facing her new friends, Mary Sue smiled winningly. "Please, call me  _Mary Sue_."

Immediately, a low murmur ran through the student body. 'Mary Sue, Mary Sue' they whispered to one another. Happy that everybody knew her name, she turned back to the Headmaster who rattled off the names of teachers and things called Houses, which was funny because they were in a castle, not a house.

Dumbledore asked her to sit on a stool, so she did. A tall, older lady with thin lips and an expression that suggested she needed to eat more fiber brought over a yucky hat. Mary Sue bit her lip, trying to decide what to do. She didn't want to upset anyone, but she didn't want that icky, greasy-looking thing put on her clean hair either. In the end, good manners, and the remembrance that she could wash her hair later, kept Mary Sue from protesting when the beaten-up leather hat was placed on her head. She startled when the thing spoke.

" _What have we here? A girl unlike any other before her…not intelligent enough to be Ravenclaw…incapable of Slytherin cunning…oblivious instead of bold…fickle in affections…"_ Raising its voice for all to hear, the hat sang out,

**What a quandary Hogwarts has here**

**In a girl so shallow, I fear,**

**None of the Houses gave her the call.**

**Mary Sue shall embrace them all!**

Giggling over the silly song, she stared at the four House tables. Dumbledore was looking at her strangely. If he had been looking at the prune-faced woman on his left, she would've called it pity. The old man asked gently, "Which House would you like to visit first, my dear?"

Boys shouted all across the Hall for her to pick  _their_  House. One boy stood up, and the sheer beauty of his face and form mesmerized the girl into pointing. "I want that one—I mean that House."

The Headmaster signaled the boy whose white-blond hair had caught her eye. He sauntered arrogantly up the aisle and smirked at her while she hopped off the stool and threw the hat onto the staff table. Licking her lips, Mary Sue breathed, "Hi."

Hot, silvery eyes scorched their way down her body. On the way back up, the incredibly magnetic gaze held hers for long moments before the boy drawled, "I'm Draco Malfoy, and I'll show you to the finest house at Hogwarts. Slytherin."

The sound of his voice was breathtaking. Others might think it condescending and indicative of a superiority complex, but Mary Sue heard something that no one else would. She heard the cry for love. Instinctively, she knew that Draco's parents never gave him the affection and approval he longed for desperately. Her heart pounded as he slipped his arm around her waist and guided her from the Hall. In the outer corridor, he pulled her closer and started caressing her taut abdomen through the flimsy barrier of golden mesh.

By the time they had reached a large portrait of a woman taking an apple from a tree with a snake in it, her cheeks were heating and her pulse racing. The platinum-haired god spoke a password. The portrait slid to the side to reveal an opening. How unique. Inside the cave-like common room, he nodded to two sets of staircases.

"That one over there's for girls." He drew her to the other one and pulled her unresistingly up the steps, "Boys can't go up the girls' staircase, but you can come up and see my room." He stopped and stared down into eyes that were as turbulent as the Caribbean Sea. "If you want to.  _Do_  you want to?"

Mary Sue nodded. Oh, how she wanted to!

A half-smile played over the chiseled lips that made hers burn to kiss them. Once in his chamber, the most beautiful boy she had ever seen invited her to sit on his bed. He sat beside her and toyed with the end of her cover up. "Any chance of you taking this off?"

Overwhelmed with the desire to comfort this lost soul and make up for the years of deprivation of affection, she pulled the mesh over her head and let it drop to the floor. His hand against her golden skin looked so pale, like an angel's. His lips against hers felt divine. Pressing her back against the mattress, his firm, muscular body aligned with hers in a way she'd never felt before. It was so…stimulating. Dazed, she allowed his hands and lips to travel across her face and down her body, willing to do  _anything_  to comfort him. His mouth slid down her throat and then pulled away.

Draco gasped. "What the bloody hell have you got on your skin? My lips…they're tingling… _burning_ _!_  Merlin! I have to get to the Hospital Wing. I'm allergic to that oil!"

Devastated by the unwitting pain she had inflicted on the beautiful, tormented soul that she'd wanted to save with her love, Mary Sue put her cover up back on and went downstairs. She met a girl with the face of a pug and followed the snarling female to the room she would share with her and a couple of other witches.

 

After a troubled night's sleep, Mary Sue dressed in the uniform she'd been given. She admired how the black robe made her hair shine and her skin glow.

Eventually, the pug-faced girl, Pansy Parkinson, and her friendliness-challenged pal Bulstrode dragged her out of what they called the lavatory and barked at her to follow them to breakfast. Sitting between two very nice, healthy boys named Crabbe and Goyle, Mary Sue asked them what their favorite subject was.

Crabbe said thickly after swallowing an entire scone, "Quidditch."

Hmmm, she hadn't heard of that. She looked forward to learning all about it.

Goyle saw her looking around and asked, "You tryin' to find Draco? Won't find him. He's in the Hospital Wing. Had to stay overnight—his lips swelled up somethin' awful."

What a tragedy. Those lips had been the most . . . .

Her inward thoughts scattered like dandelion puffs when she met the intense green gaze of a boy at another table. He had unruly black hair that begged a girl to brush it, or at least run her fingers through it. Round glasses framed gem-like eyes so perfectly, she sighed. He was adorable.

" _Harry Potter_? You lookin' at Harry-Bloody-Potter now?"

Rising swan-like from the table, Mary Sue glided toward the boy who might just be her dream come true. He stood and met her halfway down the aisle. She smiled meltingly.

He melted. "My name's Harry. May I walk you to class?"

Her heart somersaulted. Even his shy speech was adorable. Slipping her arm through his, her smile faded when a bushy-haired girl stepped into their path.

"Hold on. Is Mary Sue even  _in_  our first class? We don't always double up classes willy-nilly, you know."

Harry introduced his friend, Hermione Granger, and then stared into the new girl's eyes, drowning in the blue-green pools. He whispered, "We do today."

Outside, the day was gray and rainy, but in the depths of Mary Sue's being, the sun was shining and little woodland creatures frolicked in flowery meadows. Another girl might take one look at the lightning bolt scar on Harry's forehead and think ouch, that had to hurt, but Mary Sue saw beyond that. She had the gift of looking deep into a boy's soul. What she found in Harry's made her long to give him solace. He had lost his parents before he could really know the security and happiness loving families give.  _She_ could be the one to hold him, love him, the way he'd never been loved before.

Classes weren't what Mary Sue was accustomed to. Amazingly, however, she didn't have the least little problem adjusting to a magical curriculum. It was as if she'd been waiting all her life to burst out of a non-magical chrysalis and become a beautiful magical butterfly.

Some of her classmates, like Granger, didn't seem to want to be friends, but Mary Sue didn't hold a grudge. She realized that real friendships took a long time to develop—maybe even hours. Thoughts of Harry kept the California girl drifting on a cloud of anticipation all day.

After her last class, he was waiting outside for her. His smile stretched from ear to ear. "You get to be Gryffindor now. Come on, I'll show you to the Tower."

Taking it for granted that all her belongings would already be in her new chamber and new uniform accessories furnished—this time in accents of scarlet and gold—she looked at Harry with starry eyes and held his hand. Letting go of his warm, slightly sweaty fingers was the hardest thing she had ever done...that she could remember.

Up in her new room, Mary Sue stared out the window, wishing that somehow, someway, she could see Harry. She gaped attractively when he flew up her on a broomstick and opened the window to ask, "How can you  _do_  that? Ride on a broom. Is that magic too?"

His chuckle was indulgent and reminded her of her father, in a nice way. He smiled widely. "Want to take a ride?"

She was unsure. Her outfit was one of her favorites from home, but the plaid miniskirt and cropped sweater left a lot of skin showing. Wouldn't she be cold? Harry chuckled again when she asked him and performed something called a Warming Charm. He held her hand tightly when she climbed gingerly out of the window, but she was still nervous. Mary Sue said winsomely, "Would it be okay if I rode facing you and wrapped my legs around your waist for stability? If I pressed myself closely enough, I'm sure I'd feel safe."

"Y—yeah."

Harry's voice broke in the middle. It was amusing, but Mary Sue would never poke fun at anyone else. She knew words hurt worse than sticks and stones. Instead, she rested her head on the boy's shoulder and held on tight as the broom began to rise. Flying was fun, but kissing her way up Harry's throat was even more thrilling. He had the cutest Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

The scenery of lake and mountains was picturesque, but not as visually stirring as the way Harry licked his lips as his steamy gaze met hers. Beside the lake, he set the broom down, and carried her underneath a nearby willow tree. His mouth employed none of the finesse of Malfoy, but contained a raw passion that engulfed Mary Sue's shapely body in flames of desire to know him better, and possibly become his one true love.

In order to know Harry better, Mary Sue ripped off what he so cutely called a jumper and ran her hands across his chest and back, ignoring the tiny inner voice that wished she'd done this with Draco too. She squeezed Potter's backside—something she  _had_  done with the other boy and had to admit the Slytherin's was finer—and felt that if she could just reach the  _core_  of the firmly muscled teen, she'd know him on a level other girls only dreamed about.

The ragged breath she took when Harry pressed closer as if trying to reach her core became suspended when a silky voice said, "Inappropriate public display of affection—fifty points from Gryffindor. Unauthorized use of broom—twenty points. Return it at once, Potter. I will see Miss  _Mary Sue_ back to the school."

Trying to smooth her wildly and seductively tousled hair, the girl whose golden skin was flushed with embarrassment and other things stood trembling before the man looking down at her with an unfathomable expression. Harry stomped off to return the broom. She was left alone with the forbidding figure.

A corner of the man's oddly compelling mouth turned upward. "I am Professor Snape, Head of Slytherin House and Potions Master at this school. Come with me."

Aquamarine eyes cloudy with nervous apprehension entreated the man who looked so cold and remote. "Please, sir, I'm so sorry for my behavior. It doesn't seem right for Harry to be punished and not me. I want something too."

Glancing sideways at the fairy-like delicacy of her features, the sardonic man hesitated before saying, "What do you want, punishment? A nod is not an answer, Miss Mary Sue."

He had turned to face her now, the wind making his black robes billow around him like great bat wings. She'd always liked bats, had always known they were maligned creatures, misunderstood and mistreated by ignorant people. The same people who'd look at Professor Snape and see a slender man with greasy hair, a large nose, and a supercilious manner. Mary Sue saw more than that. She saw a brilliant, aristocratic, attractive—because aristocrats could have beaky noses, greasy hair and still be incredibly sexy—and needy man.

Snape needed love and lots of it. Her soft heart wanted to give him what he craved. Something in her eyes, or her heaving bosom and panting breath must have given her secret longings away. His midnight orbs became pools she longed to plunge into again and again. The feeling overwhelmed her and she moaned, "Oh yes, yes,  _yes_!"

His lips curved. "Tomorrow night, after dinner, you have detention with me in my dungeon."

She watched him swoop away until he was out of sight. Biting her full, petal-soft pink lips, she wondered how she would while away the long hours until she saw the man who could be her other half. The sound of clicking made her glance around curiously. She saw a slim, blond boy taking a picture.

He grinned when he saw her looking his way. "Hullo, I'm Colin Creevey. I'm in Gryffindor. You probably don't remember, but I was the one who dropped my spoon into my soup bowl when I first saw you enter the Hall. I had to take your picture. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I just  _know_  that you're photogenic too!"

Colin was the cutest boy  _she'd_  ever seen. He was exactly her not too short, not too tall, just right height. His baby-blue eyes looked directly into hers. His pale blond hair gave him the appearance of a cherub. One who would have a bow and arrow and shoot darts of love.

He gazed deeply into her eyes. "Could I take a few more pictures? So I can remember you always?"

Oh, how sweet. She smiled and agreed. In a nearby empty classroom, she posed, and basked in the warmth of his effusive admiration. When he shyly asked if she would take off her sweater, the kind girl couldn't say no. Someone else might think he had impure motives, but she wasn't an ordinary girl.

She looked past the outward interest in her body to Colin's inner desire to hold on to pictures because he had never been able to hold on to a girlfriend. Every girl he met that captured his love gave hers away to another guy. It broke Mary Sue's heart. She wanted the little cutie to know that although her heart could never be his, he could at least have a couple of artistic pictures to cherish.

 

That night, she was unable to sleep. At dinner, Harry had smothered her with attention, while at the Slytherin table Draco had looked menacingly sexy while sneering at her. Mary Sue was torn. She should feel guilty over leading two such extraordinarily handsome and affectionate boys on, but her heart was too busy yearning for another. Professor Snape had curled his lip when their eyes met during dessert. She had taken long, slow licks of her ice cream cone to cool her heated body.

Deciding that a long walk through icy-cold corridors would help her sleep, Mary Sue descended the girls' staircase in a baby-doll nightie and feathery mules. A robe would have kept her overheated, so she left it lying on the tangled sheets of her bed.

The girl wandered around Hogwarts with only the dim light of magicked torches to illuminate her path. She felt a sense of anticipation fill her soul. The Sight that she'd received from her gypsy great-grandmother which allowed her to see into another's heart also told her that if she turned down the next corridor she'd find a statue of a one-eyed witch and. . . .

"Crikey, Fred, look what's come out of my dreams and into my life!"

Two identical, handsome redheads stared at her with grins on their mischievously appealing faces. She asked curiously, "What are you doing here? You're not students, are you?"

"Blimey, George, she's a  _Yank_ _!_ Hello, gorgeous." Slanting a flickering glance at his twin brother, the one called Fred whispered, "Look at all that golden skin. Think it's an all-over tan?" With a roguish smile, he confessed to the girl watching, "We sneak in to see our baby brother every now and again. You wouldn't go and tell anyone, would you? If you did, we'd have to let the Headmaster know you've been a naughty girl, roaming the halls, scantily attired."

The pair moved to either side of her. They backed her against the wall, making her feel surrounded and fluttery. She beseeched, "Don't tell. I just needed some cool air because I felt so hot and…feverish…lying in bed." Cool fingers touched her skin. She gasped.

The smiling one, George, kept his fingers on her arm, while his playfully leering brother's hand slid beneath silky material to splay against her flat stomach. They leaned in so close, she could feel warm breath against each flushed cheek.

"Let's make deal, beautiful."

"You let us see if that tan's all-over and we'll keep mum about you being so  _naughty_."

Using her extra sensory perception, Mary Sue gazed into one pair of brown eyes and then another. The boys might alarm a girl without her abilities, but she could see past their stroking fingers to the inquisitive natures that made them such good inventors. The twins just wanted to satisfy their deep curiosity with a little peek. Closing her eyes in bashfulness, the girl nodded her head and held her breath as Fred slowly raised the hem of her nightie.

 

Dinner the next night was spent at the Hufflepuff Table. Several nice boys told her all about the wholesome, fun activities she would be able to participate in when they weren't staring in silent awe of her poise, wit and beauty. Mary Sue could feel Harry sullenly gazing at her and saw Draco glaring daggers. Mary Sue felt a pang of regret when she looked at Malfoy's mouth, or remembered how close she'd come to reaching the core of Potter, but one glance at the staff table told her that her upcoming detention was, in reality, a date with destiny.

Standing before the dungeon door later that evening, the girl tried to control her racing heartbeat. She was here because she deserved detention, not to stand around fantasizing about Dracula and every other silky-voiced, sardonic creature of darkness she'd ever crushed on. Before her artistic fingers with their perfectly oval and pearly polished fingernails could knock on wood, that voice that made her insides melt called, "Enter."

Mary Sue walked right up to the professor standing beside his desk. The torchlight threw his face into half-shadow and highlighted his half smile. Her eyes were powerless to do other than gaze in helpless fascination. Snape was so…so…

"So what did you expect to come from this  _detention,_  Miranda Aramintha Rowena Ysabella Slyvia Ursula Evangelista?"

That sinful, silken voice, speaking her name in its melodious entirety made her feel dizzy with desire. She expected nothing, and yet wanted everything, wanted to give everything. His clever, long fingers grasped her shoulders, drew her so close she could feel what she wanted him to give her. His eyes hooded. A muscle in his jaw flexed.

She whimpered.

He stated grimly, "I have never inappropriately touched a student in the classroom in all my years of teaching." His announcement made her stomach drop, until he took her arm and steered her toward the door. "We're going to the Forbidden Forest to gather…something."

In a dream-like state she walked along, wanting to preserve the way she felt in the scrapbook of happy memories in her mind, between getting a pony for her tenth birthday and the time she'd gone backstage and ended up making out with Justin Timberlake after an ‘N Sync concert. She had always looked mature for her age.

Now, that tantalizing maturity was unquestionably the real reason Professor Snape was spiriting her away to the Forbidden Forest. He wasn't a dirty old lecher looking for a little action. He was a man who had been alone too long, waiting for a new soul mate to find him. Mary Sue's entire being thrilled at the thought of being that soul mate.

Once they reached a clearing in the forest, she looked around and asked innocently, "What are we going to gather?"

Taking off his cloak and spreading it out on the ground, Snape drew her down upon it and whispered, "Ye rosebuds, whilst ye may."

That didn't make a bit of sense to Mary Sue, but then she'd had problems with stuff like that before. She shrugged the puzzlement away and concentrated on reaching Snape's  _soul_. Somehow, he could look into her eyes and know she liked to be kissed  _like that_  and touched  _right there_. It was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to her that she could remember. The professor was working his way down to kiss  _right there_  when a boy's voice shouted:

"Get your slimy hands off her, Snape!"

The man rolled away, rising almost as gracefully as she did. Placing a protective arm around her shoulders, Snape sneered. "Spying now, Potter? Mary Sue's made her choice and it wasn't you, boy, so go play hero somewhere else."

Heavens, were the two going to fight over her? The girl's white teeth bit her lower lip in excited expectation.

"Actually, I believe Mary Sue picked me, first day. If I hadn't had that reaction to the oil on her body, she'd be in my bed right now."

Malfoy stepped into the clearing beside Potter, looking so mouth-wateringly handsome that the girl involuntarily took a step toward him before stopping. Harry was giving her that intense stare that had almost melted her  _core_. She moved in his direction then looked back. Snape was staring as if she was denying him the only thing that brightened his dark, dreary life. How could she be so cold? The girl moved toward him, then Malfoy, then Potter, until she realized she was turning in circles and getting dizzy. Putting both dainty hands to her beautiful, confused head, she cried, "I don't know what to do!"

"I know what to do. Kill Harry Potter."

The three males paled in horror and stepped away from the girl. Harry gasped, "Voldemort!"

Mary Sue met the sinister gaze of the Dark Lord. She was dimly aware that Malfoy, Potter and Snape had drawn their wands. Without thought, she stepped between them and what she instinctively knew was the vilest wizard ever to draw breath. They shouted for her to stand aside, but she couldn't. Her inner eye had shown her that the man who had once been a wraith-like creature living off the energy of others wasn't entirely consumed by darkness.

Where others saw a madman crazed by a lust for power, she saw a man who had once been handsome, with mesmerizing eyes and an over-developed sense of entitlement. He felt that he was entitled to rule the world. She felt that he was entitled to a hug and a kiss. Sweetly, she smiled and touched the waxy, distorted face that years of evil acts had given a dark, but still sexy aura. His red eyes blazed as her pink, soft lips touched his. The intensity of the former Tom Riddle's needs and desires were overwhelming. Mary Sue collapsed, silvery-to-golden hair fanning out to frame her beautiful face like the petals of a flower.

Voldemort hissed. "I would curse you all, but the purity and goodness of Mary Sue's kiss has temporarily rendered me incapable of foul deeds. The next time we meet, you shall not live to see another day, Potter." Sparing the epitome of virginal beauty one wistful glance, the Dark Lord Disapparated, leaving behind three who wondered how their hearts continued to beat if the one belonging to their reason for doing so did so no longer.

 

On a high hill overlooking Hogwarts, Miranda Aramintha Rowena Ysabella Slyvia Ursula Evangelista was placed in a glass coffin on a platform with an epitaph carved in English, Elvish, and Ancient Runes.

**Mary Sue, I love you!**

Students came to place flowers in tribute, and to wonder how someone so young and beautiful could meet such a tragic end. Two days after the touching memorial service, a strange sound broke the reverent silence. The three who had come separately to pay tribute to the golden goddess who had brightened their lives looked up.

Harry Potter shouted, "It's a helicopter!"

"Muggles!" growled Snape. He and Draco Malfoy exchanged Muggle-loathing looks and stepped back from the un-natural, un-magical mechanized conveyance.

A bearded man jumped out and ran toward the coffin. "What the hell have you done to my little princess! We had to track her through the microchip in her diamond earring! Why is she sleeping in a glass box? Wake up, Mary Sue!"

What happened next would remain the greatest mystery in the Wizarding world outside the Department of Mysteries. Long, thick, naturally black eyelashes fluttered and lifted. Aquamarine eyes glowed as Mary Sue drew breath. She dazedly reached out and tapped the glass. Malfoy, Snape and Potter simultaneously drew their wands and made the glass vanish. Her loving father's arms enveloped the girl.

She looked at the other men and asked smilingly, "Why did you put me in a tanning bed? I'm one sixteenth Native American. I'm always golden skinned!"

Mary Sue's father ignored the others and cried, "Sweetheart! You've got to come home with me. You've been picked to star in your own television show!"

The girl was in an agony of indecision. She'd wanted to be a star as long as she could remember, but she'd met such wonderful people here, and the three most special men in the world were imploring her with their eyes not to leave them. Trying to decide what to do, she asked, "Who's my co-star?"

Her father looked back toward the chopper. A slim young man with long white-blond hair and blue eyes looked at her as if she was the embodiment of every vision of love he had ever had. She felt her heart jolt, then race.

He knelt down on one knee and begged, "Come with me, Mary Sue… _I love you_!"

His achingly handsome face creased in a bone-melting smile when she cupped his cheek and said tenderly with all the feeling she was capable of, " _Oh, Orlando! I love you too!"_

Mary Sue blew a kiss to the trio who watched her go with sad, but accepting smiles. After wishing with all her heart that one day each one of the amazing men would find their true love, she hopped into the helicopter and strapped herself in—on Orlando's lap.

The blades whirled and lifted the group into the air, taking Mary Sue away from one magical life and toward another. The girl had finally found her dream man, her other half, her destiny and her co-star. She smiled into adoring eyes and gave lips equally as perfect as hers true love's first kiss.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, a writer read one too many tales containing a character renowned and reviled throughout fan fiction- Mary Sue. Who is Mary Sue? She's that character, often American with long straight midnight hair with natural red streaks and multi-colored eyes, who comes to Hogwarts and is smarter than Hermione, more beautiful than Fleur, and more popular with boys than any girl in the history of the school, making mean girls jealous of her. Her character never develops, she just goes about saving Harry from Voldemort (who's sometimes her dad) or Draco from his father- looking and acting perfect with never a hair out of place, or an embarrassing, or even human moment to ruin the fantasy image. Even when MS Thing dies, it is beautifully, and everyone mourns and becomes better people for having their lives touched by such a wondrous being. In order to preserve sanity, and more importantly, a sense of humor, this story spawned.


End file.
